doubting myself, my decision, my faith...and my obedience...

i am starting to re-think about everything....EVERYTHING...

I had been talking about getting phd for so many times...and suddenly, a friend of mine throw me a question which made me took a step back and re-consider my decision..

"Do you really WANT to further your studies?"

I thought i would say "YES, SURE!"

But i couldn't answer my friend! I paused right there....and asked "why not?"...Suddenly, I realised I wasn't THAT keen on phd...Here i am, given a chance that most people are dying for...but I hesitated!

Then, everything flashed through my mind...I never wanted to study, I never liked to study...I thought of how I am "encouraged" to get my masters...and here i am, almost finishing it...with good grades...I wonder, if I hadn't continue this, I wouldn't have known I am capable of getting such a grade...

They said "Mum knows best"...maybe it's true, my mum does know me the best and she is trying to force me to give my best...but is this really what I want? Is this how I want my life to be? Is this....ME? Am I even living MY LIFE? or am I just living a life that other's want me to lead?

I am very sure if I were to continue my phd, I will certainly grad with a phd... but, I am tired of education...I HATE studying... I don't know if I am lazy or I just don't like to study... but why the hell did i get good grades if I don't like it?

Everyone told me " studying is better than working"

I would like to give my piece of mind about this statement...Those who said this certainly had fun in their colleges/unis...and the pressure from studies is certainly less compared to the fun they are having...isn't it? For me, studies involved a lot of barbarians and, of course, expectation from others... I still remember someone crying FOR me when they see my results... which i think my results is obviously OKAY...everyone congratulated me, but someone cried for me...

I am confused with what I want! Did I hate phd just because I feel like i am forced to do it? Or is it just pure laziness? very GOD DAMN confused!

my mum asked me if I wanted to continue phd and it is okay if I dont want to do it... (I feel her disappointment when i answered, I am not sure)...damn!

From now on, whoever god damn asked me this question, i am going to rip that person apart and shred him/her into unrecognisable bits with my bare hands! (I mean it, seriously)

My last god damn decision: go for *tut* phd only if it is fully funded...(end of discussion!)

my aim!

okay...i had been on diet my whole life but i never seemed to lose any weight! finally, i figured out that i have to be S-E-R-I-O-U-S

After some serious thinking (i should be thinking about my research!), i had finally made up my mind! GO FOR IT!

i am blogging about this because i think this is the only way to make myself serious! I am "leo", so ego plays an important part of me...when i announced it to the entire world that i am going to lose some stubborn weight, I MUST lose it.....

I am not obese...but I am going to lose the stubborn weight...This will be a favour i do for myself...and this will be the best present i give to myself...health and......shopping without the need to try the clothes on!! hooray!

i know, laziness of clothes trying is driving me to lose weight...anyway, i believe EVERY GIRL in this world is talking about this issue...trust me, i am not "talking bout it" anymore...ACTION will be taken..

correction: action has been taken...

Once i have my results, i will announce how i did it, and everyone can benefit from it... and i will get this done before returning to msia...coz my mum said " dont come back if you put on weight"

haha! mum, this will be your birthday present too! gambateh!

GRADUATION!!!!

i had just attended my BSc graduation...kinda weird, coz i am the only one in my course graduating...

this year, my parents didn't attend the graduation, but i have a lot of frens attending it...took a lot of pic, but none of them are with me...i will post it as soon as i get hold of it...hehe!

i wore high heels and it is killing me!!!! i had a hard time walking!! I hoped to wear casual...but it's the BIG day..so i had to wear as formal as possible...not to mention meeting with a few Deans as well as some Professors...All of them keep mentioning about my phd! I am really happy and grateful to one particular professor who can't stop saying :

"This is Connie and she is definitely the one we want to keep here"

i am really happy to hear this...and did i mention that the professor who said this has not taught me before?! he had never taught me and he is really nice! he even helped me to find a job in Malaysia! He has a few part time PhD students and he is asking them to find me a job in Malaysia before he heard that i wanted to further my studies!!! And now, he keep asking around for phd funding for me...I can never thank him enough...

At the graduation, the professors and Deans shared some secrets with me which i am not supposed to be blogging about..anyway, it is all about the phd thingy...I am forever in debt to them for even trying so hard to get funding for me! Even if i dont get the funding, I will still be grateful and I can never thank them enough..

Yesterday, I showed my one-week-long results I obtained for my project to my supervisor...He was SHOCKED! He said I had done something really good and it's something new! He said I should continue my PhD on this area...

my phd friend (whom i am working with), said :

Wow, and you just did your phd in a week..tsk tsk..no wonder everyone wanted you to be here...You always hit jackpots...hahhaha!

I think my luck is really good and I am hoping my luck will follow me throughout my life...for the rest of the day, i kept grinning and smiling to myself (hey, who's not on cloud 9 when being praised)

anyway, I am grateful to everyone being so nice to me...I love all of you!!!

moving on short notice...

i am FORCED to move on short notice! i receive the notice on thursday and i have to move out by monday! worse part?

Moving to the flat across the street...If you were moving to somewhere further away, at least you can call a cab/drive and they will drop you right at the entrance...

For me, I had to drag the luggage across the street and i had to make more than 6 rounds! not including having to clean the whole flat tomorrow...argh! i am exhausted!

While I am moving, I saw my housemates and their BOYFRIENDs chatting and helping them to pack...I can't help but think : If only I have a BOYFRIEND...

Well, I admit it is sort of nice to have a boyfriend helping you to move...but after moving everything, I started thinking : Well, I MOVED everything on MY OWN! I am capable, independent and well, the gym turns out to be good~

My friends did offer to help me, but I declined all their offers...I prefer moving it on my own as it is my problem and I tend to handle it on my own...

CHEERS to SINGLES out there! I just proved to every girls out there that we can do things on our own...SINGLE ROCKS!

experiencing ice age lifestyle~~

I am not talking about that "Ice Age 3"....Well, i love that movie a lot!! Laughed throughout the movie~~

I feel like I am living in ice age...(okay, i am exaggerating...) I have unstable internet connection which disconnected every 10 mins...to solve this problem, i tried scanning for wireless and stealing the connection from the library located just opposite my room...whew...still, the signal strength is extremely poor...i still keep disconnecting, but maybe every 30 mins? haha! well, be happy with what you have got, right?

Then, I don't have water supply! It has been two weeks with on-and-off water supply...and guess what? I have lost my counting on "bathing halfway and the water supply stopped"....There was once, I had shampoo all over me when the water supply was cut off! It was 12.30am in the morning and i have 8am lab the next day...I waited till 1am...and STILL NO WATER connection! Since i dont feel like calling up my frens to wake them up so i can borrow their bathroom, I went online...Luckily, one of my fren living not TOO far from my place was still awake...(mind you, i had to steal wireless to go online coz both internet and water were unstable)

I had to cross a main road with 4 lanes with shampoo dripping (well, it dried in my hair) and shower gel all over in the middle of the night when the temperature was around 14C...I simply put on some clothes for the sake of not running around in towel...I continue my shower and had to walk home around 2.30 am...

The entire building has no electricity as well...(they have some generator i guess, so only the living area has electric supply and all the management building has no electricity...worse, the swipe card is useless without electricity...this means that anyone can enter the bulding!

Well, i emailed my complain and they just give me some "sorry, we are trying to fix the problem"...

SORRY MY A*SE....We are the one putting up with this! they should just refund the rental or We can book a hotel/motel/watever place we want and they should be paying for it! they breached the contract!

I cant direct my anger at the email recipient coz they are not the one making me suffer~ so my blog comes in handy~

(my housemate was dyeing her hair when the water supply disconnected...she had to call a cab to her boyfriend's place just to wash it off...) well, guess this is karma...she was laughing at me the other night..hahha!

complicated, indecisive and confused..

Complicated is refering to the process of PhD application...especially when you wanted a fully funded PhD studentship.... most of the applications are only eligible to UK/EU students... Then, i started to look around for those in USA/Canada....

I RANDOMLY applied for PhD (which is the most stoopid thing to do)....I applied for two studentship... I received their replies straightaway after sending my CV...one saying the application is full and asking me to apply next year...the other one asking me for a full CV...

After sending my full CV and current transcript, he asked me for phone interview this coming tuesday... I am kinda SHOCKED because I never thought i would be asked for interview! (I am not surprised...i am SHOCKED)....

Seriously, the reason I applied for these two studentship is because they do not require me to send them a cover letter...or something like letter from referees...yes, yes...i KNOW I AM LAZY! that's just ME! argh! all I did when i applied for the studentship was click on upload (CV) and my email address....

I asked my supervisor for opinion about this university and guess what? It become worse! The news spread around so fast that some of the lecturers gave me some names and name cards asking me to call them up for more PhD studentship! They gave me names from Thailand, Australia, Germany, US and even UK....They told me about their relationship with the other professors and they are willing to take in student...One of the lecturer even found an application form for funding me in LJMU itself!

She said she'll see if that funding applies to international student and she really wanted me to stay!

I know it sounds like a good news, but I am getting the pressure! I don't know what to do and I think I did the wrong thing by asking the opinion from my supervisor the first place..(that's how the news spread)...

MORAL OF THE STORY :

1 NEVER EVER APPLY FOR PHD UNLESS YOU ARE CERTAIN!
2 DONT ASK FOR OPINION UNLESS NECESSARY
3 DON'T BE A LAZY A*SE LIKE MYSELF...DON'T RANDOMLY APPLY PHD BECAUSE NO COVER LETTER/LETTER FROM REFEREES REQUIRED

Lesson learned:
I am the poophead this time...serves me right!
now, i have to learn about bioartificial pancreas just because of that interview...sob sob...i learned my lesson the HARD way...

busy as a bee...

i had been pretty busy lately....

1 - research...lab work, log book (lab diary) write up...
2 - entertaining my fellow juniors...
3 - travelling to manchester, cambridge, sheffield...for food as well as research purposes..
4 - sorting out my accomodation (finally sorted out yesterday)
5 - trying decide my phd...where, how, when, what and funding...
6 - dealing with my normal but abnormal health stuff (which is normal anyway)

I think i am quite stressed about everything...and the fact that i'll be attending my convocation 21st july for degree, and next year MSc..

and busy uploading some pics on FB...

somebody (keep that person anonymous) just ruined my day by commenting :

Anonymous : tell u something...
connie : yes?
Anonymous : ur display pic in FB looked damn old
Anonymous : not nice
Anonymous : damn old

i think it wasn't very nice to add a word "damn" when you are commenting your friend at her face... I know I used the word "damn" so casually, but i dont use it ON the person I am speaking to~~

Well, i had to admit that hearing the word "not nice" about myself didn't help the situation at all...when i said "i dont give a damn on what you think" and some sarcasm with the word "damn", that anonymous said i am over sensitive!

I have a word for that POOPHEAD : Read carefully ..

If I am so DAMN pretty, I would be in hollywood right now and I wont need to work my ass off for a good results eh?

So, before this poophead ever make any comment on anyone, please, look into the mirror for your own reflection and try this : when you are pointing one finger at the person, four of your own fingers are actually pointing at yourself...

And if you don't have a mirror, take a wee wee, and get your own reflection from it..GOT ME?

yep, i am done ranting...and i know "the" poophead will be reading this..I wont apologise for calling you a poophead, coz you deserve it...Never judge someone by their outer look...only shallow minded people judge on that...

FYI, there are people suffering from depression, commit suicide just because they were judged by their outer look...sounds tacky? I am "DAMN" serious... anyway, i am far too optimistic to die just becoz i looked DAMN old~ ha-ha